Most parents work. It used to be possible for one person to stay home while the other worked a traditional 9-to-5 job, but that is becoming rarer as costs increase and interest piles up. Many parents work hybrid or flex jobs to avoid the expense of daycare, while some are able to land coveted work-from-home positions that let them work alongside a baby in an exercise saucer. Even those come with a question, though: How do you parent and work at the same time? How do you stay on top of the mountains of other tasks while keeping a tiny human alive and happy? How do you give space for your partner and co-parent to do the same?
Schedule Your Presence
I work fulltime from home, while my partner works parttime in the office. I’ve found that the biggest time suck is when we’re not intentional about our presence with our kids. If we’re both home, most of the time we’re just half-heartedly shuffling toys around, blearily trying to think up something for dinner, or frantically begging each other for extra time to go get work done.
The best I’ve felt in my role as a parent is when I’m intentional about how and when I’m investing my presence. If I have a break from the kids, I want to know: Am I getting a shower, eating breakfast, or doing work? If not, am I taking an intentional break, or am I just mindlessly scrolling on my phone? If I have the kids, am I making them healthy food, engaging in a fun activity, going outside for fresh air, or just scrolling on my phone while they watch TV?
It’s hard not to feel like there’s not enough time. Work eats up every bit of mental energy you have, and then watching the kids can be physically exhausting. And vice versa. Making a choice to devote certain blocks of time and your intentional presence to each event can help your stress levels and make better memories.
Bring Kids Along (with Exceptions)
Some errands are great to do with kids, and some are not. In our house, we had to sit down and decide which ones were which. Shopping that takes no more than 15 minutes in one store? Doable with a toddler. Grocery shopping for a week that requires an hour and a half? Definitely not. If you can run errands with your kids riding along, make sure you choose a time with your whole household in mind: Does it give your partner the chance to clean the house or make dinner? Can they get that project out of the way with a quieter space to think in?
Kids are people too, but they’re people who have no filters or coping mechanisms for the boredom and lack of agency they have in their daily lives. Combining your errand-running with caring for the kids works up to a point, and then it dissolves into screaming and tears. Make sure you’re planning for the right time of day when you have the extra energy to be patient and cheerful. If you’re trip-chaining and hitting a lot of destinations, maybe a quick stop at the park or the bookstore is in order to keep things fun and give the kids something to look forward to instead of just tedium.
Take Time for Yourselves
Everyone’s heard all the clichés about putting your own oxygen mask on before helping others, but they also happen to be true. Kids and work will take up exactly as much time as you give them, and both will likely ask you for more. If you’re going to make time for yourself (and your relationship with your partner), you have to carve it out yourselves. It will cost you something in the planning, babysitting, and being away from your kids, but it will be worth it.
Taking time doesn’t have to be expensive. If you don’t have a babysitter or can’t afford to go out to a restaurant, you can make a charcuterie board and watching a movie on Netflix or play a game that fosters intimacy. I’m a big fan of these question cards that encourage deeper connections between partners.